Building partnership through kinesiology
In hectic Hong Kong, where we are all pushed for time, it's easy to put your relationship on the back burner. You're busy shuttling kids from school to afterschool classes to play dates to doctor's appointments while trying to maintain a career. Or you're constantly up-in-the-air and just trying to stay afloat at work. You don't have time to decompress let alone navigate through each other's calendars to fit in a "date night" - it's too much effort and just easier to let it slide.
We see a lot of clients who are experiencing difficulties in their relationships, mainly because they are juggling so many things that spending time together never ends up being the priority. You may trust that whatever brought you together in the first place will continue to keep you together, but the fact is that we are all constantly changing and evolving so your wants and needs at the beginning of the relationship may not be what you need now. So, for example, you may need reassuring or supportive words and gestures to know that you are loved, rather than gifts or other displays of affection that you would have found meaningful in the past. Over time, if your wants and needs are not met, resentment and frustration could build, and the longer you wait to check in on each other you could find yourself living with someone you can no longer connect with.
3 ways to reconnect with your partner:
1) Make some time for each other
Making the time to be with each other is the first hurdle. This will mean saying no to other commitments and leaving the kids at home. If your relationship is important to you, you'll find a way to make this happen.
2) Have some fun
Nothing is sexier or bonds people as well as laughter. Finding something fun to do together will bring you even closer together and help you break out of your rut or routine.
3) Take care of yourself first
If the whole is greater than the sum of its parts and the individual parts arestrong to begin with, think of the possibilities. Taking care of your own physical, mental and emotional state will enable you to bring more positive energy and enthusiasm to your relationship. Also keeping a tab of where you are and monitoring your true wants and needs will help you to communicate them better to your partner. If you don't know what makes you happy then how can others know?
If there's a specific aspect of your relationship you'd like to work on, then perhaps reconnecting through kinesiology could be helpful. We offer couples sessions that leteach partner individually target the issues they would like to work on. The goal is to relieve the emotional stress, allowing the individual to have time to reflect and reassess, in order to bring about a more positive and productive dialogue.
The book Why Women Talk and Men Walk identifies the ‘fear-shame’ cycle as a key dynamic that can cause issues within relationships. Through evolution, women are wired to be more sensitive to fear, which is often triggered by feelings of isolation or neglect. When she tries to express her fear to him, he hears ‘you’re not a good enough provider, which triggers his in-built sensitivity to shame. His flight-or-flight response kicks in and he either withdraws or lashes out, which only serves to reinforce her feelings of fear! The book teaches reconnection techniques that help us act from a place of love rather than fear, and emphasises the power of the little things, a ‘love beyond words’ that can be nurtured through small moments of connection, be it a loving look, a tender touch, or a genuine hug.
On March 7th, I will be co-hosting a Couple's workshop where you and your partner can build trust and connection through yoga and kinesiology. Click here to register!
- Joy Li, Kinesiologist